Following is
an Episode filler of Die me Dichotomy. Crais helps retrieve Aeryn's body and deals with his own grief
Raw
Deal
By GitonCrais
The
realisation of Aeryn's death had hit him hard.
Harder than
anyone could understand, or than he would allow anyone to understand.
When her
voice cut out, when it became obvious that she had died, a scream of anguish
was torn from his throat and he sank to the deck, while tears of grief, rage
and frustration were threatening to escape his burning eyes.
Talyn
couldn't understand his grief and his questions only made it worse.
Crais
switched to privacy mode.
Crais made
his way down to the planet quickly. He knew it was futile to try and save her.
By the time they could move to the last coordinates, too much time would
already have passed.
It was
unusual for a Peacekeeper to find and retrieve a dead body for burial. Dead was
dead, that was the Peacekeeper belief. But the others thought differently. And
Crais needed to know, to see the body. For now, it was unreal, and he didn't
want to be plagued by any more ghosts. Tauvo's death still haunted him at
times.
By the time
he joined the others, he had managed to regain his composure. Not a trace of
his own personal grief was visible.
They had
been surprised to see him come down to the planet to help retrieve Aeryn's
body.
D'Argo had
stepped forward to block his way. They could find her on their own. They didn't
need him. She had been one of them. She had ceased being a Peacekeeper.
Something in
Crais' unnatural calm made D'Argo step aside.
Crais gave
no explanation for his presence; there was none needed.
Crais
glanced over at Crichton. His initial urge was to throttle the Human but he
stifled this.
Crichton was
comforted by Chiana and sat huddled near the transport pod. Zhaan was by
Crichton's side in case he needed her. That left Ka D'Argo, Rygel and Crais to
find Aeryn.
The hole in
the ice caused by Aeryn's crash was a good indicator where to start looking for
her body and it was big enough to let them enter the water.
Rygel went
in first and after a steady stream of profanities that the water was too cold,
dove under. Ka D'Argo took his tunic and shirt off. His ability to withstand
the cold of space made him a perfect choice to join the Hynerian. He took a
breather-mask with him. A long line attached to his belt was the only
safety-line. He looked at Crais, who was holding the other end. "You'd better
be reeling me back in when I need to," he said with slitted eyes, his
voice menacing.
Crais looked
up calmly and said nothing.
Finally, Ka
D'Argo also plunged in the water.
Crais'
gloved hands had a firm grip on the long rope. The end he had tied to a boulder
nearby. He stood at the water's edge, feeding the rope slowly into the water.
The cold was
creeping up on him while he waited for the others to resurface or give any
indication that they had found something. He dreaded to think how cold it must
be in the water.
After twenty
microns, which had felt like an eternity, Crais could feel the tugging on the
rope. They had either found her or they were in trouble.
Crais put
his back into it and was glad for the protection of his gloves. He could feel
the cold seep through the gloves when he touched the wet rope.
He needed
all his strength to pull the rope in and soon he was sweating, despite the
cold.
Zhaan had
walked away from Crichton and moved to the water's edge, looking intensely into
the water. She'd had the foresight of bringing thermal blankets and towels with
her.
She glanced
quickly at Crais and saw how he strained, depending on his strength alone to
reel in the rope without help from anyone else. It was apparent that something heavy was being dragged out of the
water.
Rygel was
the first to surface; he heaved himself easily out of the water. Zhaan moved
quickly over to him to quick-towel him dry and wrap him in a thermal blanket.
"D"Argo?"
She asked anxiously, "Is he all right?"
Rygel
nodded.
"Did
you find Aeryn?"
Again Rygel
nodded, this time sadly. He huddled in the blanket near the water's edge.
Crais was
still pulling on the rope; soon a dark shape came up. Ka D'Argo surfaced
alongside it.
Crais pulled
the object to the water's edge before tying the rope off on the boulder. He
walked to the edge and offered his hand to help Ka D'Argo out.
Ka D'Argo
growled at him, "I'll manage. We have to get Aeryn's flight-chair out of
the water."
Crais said
nothing and shifted his attention to the chair. He could see the top of Aeryn's
head, her hair moved strangely in the water. Crais clenched his jaw.
He took a
firm grip on the top of the chair. Slowly it rose out of the water while Crais
pulled and Ka D'Argo pushed from underneath.
Finally, it
lay on the ice.
Ka D'Argo
heaved himself out of the water and Zhaan moved over to him to get him dried
and covered.
Crais had a
good look at Aeryn. She sat so still in her flight-chair, she almost looked
asleep.
The cold,
icy water must have immediately frozen her insides.
Before Crais
could step forwards, Crichton had seen that the chair had been brought up and
in a wild scramble, pushing Chiana aside in the process, he moved to Aeryn's
lifeless body. He draped himself over her and sobbed uncontrollably.
Crais
stepped back. He could understand the grief the other man felt and found that
he didn't want to intrude.
Soon the
others came forward and almost formed a circle around Crichton and the chair,
consoling him.
Crais felt
strangely left out but neither did he feel the inclination to join the group.
He folded the rope mechanically for something to do, other than thinking of
Aeryn. Now and then he glanced over at the little group who allowed themselves
to grieve so openly.
Crais felt a
hand on his shoulder and he slowly turned around to look in the kind eyes of
Zhaan.
"Thank
you, Crais," she said softly. "We couldn't have done it without
you."
"Glad
to be of assistance," he responded automatically.
"Still,
you were here when we needed you."
"I
would have been happier if we could have prevented it from happening in the
first place."
"We all
would," replied Zhaan, "Will you stay for the send-off?"
Crais looked
up and searched her eyes, "You think the others would want me there?"
For a split
microt, Crais saw something like annoyance play over Zhaan's features. "I
am not talking about the others. I am asking you. You were her friend too. Will
you be there?"
Crais
nodded.
"Good,"
she smiled, "Will you be sharing a meal with us?"
"I
don't think..."
"You
don't need to be on your own either."
Crais looked
up sharply.
Zhaan smiled
at him, "I know you cared for her too."
When he
looked at her intently, she continued softly, "Don't worry, your secret is
safe with me." She walked away.
Finally, the
rope was rolled up and Crais walked over to the others.
Rygel and Ka
D'Argo were still wrapped in their blankets. Crichton was still draped over
Aeryn, while Chiana was comforting him.
Ka D'Argo
looked over at Crais, "I'm glad you didn't let go of the rope." It
was his only concession to saying, "Thank you".
Crais
nodded.
Crais' words
of comfort to the others were accepted in silence. Crichton was too submerged
in his own grief and guilt to even acknowledge it.
The send-off
was a quiet affair. Crais laid his medal of Valour in the pod with Aeryn's
body.
The others
looked at him strangely, couldn't understand. Aeryn would have understood and
when Crais looked up he saw that Zhaan did too.
With Aeryn
gone, there was nothing left for Crais to come back to, other than the ties of
Moya and Talyn. Crais had no affinity with the others and he knew they were
happy to see the back of him. Maybe except for Zhaan. She had been the only one
to approach him and to offer comfort, well aware that he needed it too.
While Crais
was with the others, Moya had explained to Talyn what had happened. Had
explained the grief the others felt for Aeryn's loss. Talyn had listened
carefully.
Rather than
stay on Moya and suffer the others' glares, Crais preferred to be on his own.
When he
returned to Talyn, he disengaged privacy mode, having prepared himself to
listen to a whole barrage of questions from Talyn.
Crais was
surprised when those questions did not come. He knew that Moya must have had a
hand in it.
Crais stood
in Command and turned the vidchip in his hand.
Talyn
chirped ~It would have been nice if she had been able to see it before she
died~
Crais
answered in a choked voice, "Yes, Talyn. I too would have liked to show
Aeryn what we learned from this chip."
~Pity we
couldn't show her~
Crais bit
back the grief, which was restricting his throat, "I think... (he
swallowed deeply) I think it would have made her the happiest soul among
us."
He looked at
the now useless vidchip; the one it was meant for would never see it. He would
never see the smile on Aeryn's face.
Finally, the
grief became too much and he left Command in a hurry. His steps led him to his
quarters. He splashed water on his face but it didn't do much to stop the
heartache he felt.
He came out
of the refresher. The pain of her loss settled like a vice around his heart.
Talyn asked
~Are you all right, Crais?~
"Yes,
Talyn, I am."
~Do you miss
her?~
"I
will."
Talyn was
quiet for a little while ~Why didn't you stay on Moya for a little while? My
mother said, that it was normal for bipeds to gather together to mourn the
death of one of their own. Don't you mourn for her?~ There was curiosity in
Talyn's thoughts.
Crais sat
down on the edge of his bed and stared at the blank wall in front of him
"Yes,
Talyn, I mourn for her. Deeply. She was a good comrade and we could have been
good friends, had circumstances been different. In fact, I believe she was. I
will miss her very much."
Crais stood
up and looked out of the view-port at Moya. "But my grief had no place
with them. I would rather mourn on my own."
Talyn was
quiet for a moment ~You aren't alone. I miss her too. She was my friend too. I
do not understand what I'm feeling right now~
A mixture of
loneliness, emptiness and sadness washed over Crais when he could feel what
Talyn was experiencing, an echo of his own feelings.
Crais
swallowed deeply and cleared his throat.
He realized
that Talyn was experiencing loss for the first time in his young life. He
became aware, that he, Crais, could feel the Leviathan's grief engulfing his
own.
Crais had
always been a man of strong passions. He was aware of it but had never really
admitted to it. He had tried to suppress it until there was no more room in his
heart to keep it hidden, until it would finally find an explosive outlet. The
death of Tauvo had brought that home to him. Madness had been the result.
Talyn had
never experienced the raw emotion of grief. To him it was strange, upsetting.
He couldn't understand what he was feeling and it unsettled him. He couldn't
understand the anger and the helplessness or the emptiness inside. He panicked.
Crais fell
back on the bed and covered his face with his hands, tears finding their way
past closed fingers. He wanted to escape to privacy mode, hide his feelings,
hide the grief, bury it deep inside him and not experience it. But he knew he
couldn't. He had to explain it to Talyn or else be confronted by it whenever
the link was open.
Crais' hands
fell away from his face and he stared at Talyn's red ceiling, saw it pulse with
life and felt Talyn's expectancy.
Spoken words
were inadequate for what he wanted to say or express and his thoughts merged
with Talyn's.
The
explanation came in word-thoughts, feelings and images. Slowly Talyn calmed
down, his curiosity sated. He understood, while Crais too felt comforted and
calmed down, for the first time not alone in his grief.
Moya could
feel her son calm down, could feel Crais calm down, both comforted by each
other's presence. She was glad they were there for each other, finding comfort
and strength in the other's thoughts.
If she had
any misgivings of Crais being Talyn's Pilot or their link, it dissolved while
she listened to their exchange.
With a
loving parting thought to Talyn, she withdrew her link from Talyn.
They would
be all right now.
The
End
FanFiction on Captain Bialar Crais