Following is
some musings and rantings from the dear Captain in his own mind. His POV on the
Moya-crew. Remember, he is on his own and feels nobody likes him. What would
you think in that situation?
Musings and rants
by GitonCrais
“We don’t trust
you,” the human had said, “We don’t believe you,” and the others had followed
his example. No dampening net. No controlling Talyn’s aggressive outbursts.
They had probably put Talyn’s aggressiveness down to his fault, like everything
else.
Should he
have been more demonstrative to show them how aggressive Talyn had become? They
wouldn’t have believed him anyway.
Should he
have begged them? He couldn’t bring himself to do that it was not his style.
They still wouldn’t have trusted him.
He snorted.
Did they trust him now? He had come to their rescue on a number of occasions,
had proven to them that he was a forceful ally and even then it was just a
reluctant “Thank you but goodbye, don’t drop in any time soon.” Until the next
time they needed him. He didn’t need their approval! A dark cloud passed over
his eyes, belying that thought.
Maybe he
should have claimed some of the honour, instead of saying “Talyn heard Moya’s
distress call”? It had not always been Talyn who had urged to go to their
rescue but he thought they might have refused his help or command of the
situation had he told them it was his idea to help. Had he told them the truth
they would have written it off as Crais trying to get in their good books.
Crais
snorted again. Each of them had been given countless second chances by the
others and had been accepted back in the fold. Especially Crichton. The times
he had endangered the crew of Moya and the Leviathan with his recklessness and
still they believed he was -how had Crichton formulated it- one of the “good
guys”.
They had
betrayed each other, nearly killed each other, shouted, screamed and hated each
other but they were the “good guys” and he, Crais, the eternal “bad guy” in the
equation.
Granted, his
past was rife with wrongs of various degrees but he had changed since boarding
and taking command of Talyn. Had they forgiven him? No!
His exploits
and good intentions in the past cycle had meant nothing to them. The assurances
Talyn gave Moya that he was treated well were put down as simple lies he had
been forced to tell by Crais. As if anyone could do that to Talyn.
It was
partly this attitude that refrained him from telling about his own “good deeds”
in the Uncharted Territories. Two revolts suppressed, a riotous band of robbers
and thugs squashed, one assassination prevented, evacuation of a whole village
to the other side of a planet and coming to the rescue of two cargo-carriers,
not to mention the numerous smaller deeds.
Oh, he had
been tempted on occasion to tell them. If only for the simple reason of
shutting Crichton up but what good would it have done him? Nothing! It wouldn’t
have made a difference. He didn’t like telling them anyway. What he did was
because he thought it was right for him to do so, not because he wanted their approval.
He had wanted to make Talyn believe that he should use his power for the good;
to defend the innocent and to do so was by being an example to the youngster.
He had to defend the innocent, he had to protect the needy or else his lessons
would be hollow. What he couldn’t do was still the conflict in Talyn of being a
peaceful Leviathan as well as a warrior.
Maybe if
they had had more time to learn from each other in the beginning but what was
done couldn’t be undone. He had taken the youngster when he was still a baby.
Talyn was forced to grow up faster than he would have normally done had he
stayed with Moya, now Crais had to live with the consequences. Although, even
that was debatable. Moya had to flee with her crew as well. How would Talyn
have grown up under those circumstances, or worse with Crichton commanding him?
Crais grew
resentful again of Crichton.
When he told
them a few monens ago that he needed the dampening net they had put it down as
him wanting the new weapon to make Talyn, and himself, more powerful. Because
of Crichton he had not been able to explain that it had become a necessity and
the reason why. How could he explain the pain Talyn forced on him without
showing weakness or that he wasn’t in full control of the Leviathan? They already
believed he wasn’t the right Captain for Talyn.
He sighed.
He had to admit that Crichton still managed to raise his hackles. His
incompetence as a commander, his total disregard of respect for other species and
his dumb luck that kept all this from the others on Moya.
Crais paced
the floor in mounting anger. He had engaged privacy mode to be with his own
thoughts for the moment. He didn’t want to risk another outburst from Talyn and
he needed to get some thoughts off his chest, even if it was quietly in his own
mind,
The others
saw his resentment for Crichton as vengeance for the death of his brother and
jealousy for Aeryn. They might have been right in the beginning but he had
changed. No longer did he hold Crichton responsible for Tauvo’s death, he had
accepted it as an accident.
No longer
did he want Aeryn or was completely revolted by her choice of mate, not after
he had seen her devotion displayed for the human.
No longer
was he thinking like a true Peacekeeper Captain.
He sighed
again.
He was alone
on Talyn and at times he yearned the company of others and their approval.
Sometimes
the others of Moya joined him on Talyn but he soon grew weary of their company
and their constant mistrust of him and then he wanted to be alone again.
Wearily he
sat down on the floor, rested his arms on his knees and letting his hands
dangle between his legs while he rested his head against the bulkhead, closing
his eyes briefly. He thought back to the crew on Moya.
Who would he
have like on board Talyn from Moya’s crew?
Ka D’Argo?
Not very likely. He would have to watch his back continuously, or rather his
front. He doubted that the Luxan would attack him when his back was turned. He
smiled wryly. The Luxan had looked for openings before to attack Crais, the
slightest smile or word would provoke him. He was just waiting for an
opportunity. It was proven when he attacked him when Crais was asking for their
help to install a dampening net. He would also be too busy trying to explain to
Talyn not to shoot Ka D’Argo, it would confuse the youngster even further.
Rygel?
Although the Dominar amused him, his insistence that he knew everything better
than everybody else, his laziness and his complete preoccupation with either
food or wealth would drive Crais to distraction or madness.
Pau Zotoh
Zhaan? Beautiful Zhaan! He respected Zhaan and it would be very convenient to
have a healer on board but could he handle her insistence of non-violence? Even
though he suspected that she could handle herself as a warrior in a pinch,
probably not. Neither could Talyn and who would be paying for Talyn’s
confusion?
Chiana? He
liked Chiana… in small doses! No, her playfulness was fun to watch… at a
distance. Her total lack of inhibition would be nice if he wanted to recreate
every two arns, which he didn’t but her total lack of discipline would drive
him over the edge. He shuddered at the thought.
The Banik
Stark? Most assuredly not! He didn’t trust the Banik. His obsession with death
would be detrimental to him and Talyn. His supposed clumsiness a danger to them
all. No, definitely not the Banik!
Aeryn? He
couldn’t think “Aeryn” and leave Crichton out of the equation. It had been
quite clear to him that those two were together, even from the beginning when
neither of them admitted to that. The protectiveness they displayed for each
other and could quite easily put them in danger made him feel quite sick at
times. Maybe it was simple jealousy, he had to admit to himself but he hoped he
would show proper restraint and wouldn’t disgrace himself in public should he
be lucky enough to find a suitable mate.
Thinking
about it, it wasn’t so bad to be alone on Talyn. At least there was no one
around to be irritated by, no one he could upset or be upset with. He realised
it wasn’t very healthy for his mental well being either. Who had he to talk to?
Himself? Talyn?
To be able
to “shape” Talyn he had to change himself.
“Fine
counsellor,” he guffawed. Shortly before he boarded Talyn he had seen the
depths of madness, had only been able to claw out of there only a little while
before that. Then straight into a lone existence on board the Leviathan.
He had
succeeded in shaping the youngster and changing himself and trying to keep the madness
from overflowing into Talyn. Maybe he had been only partly successful. He had
fought the madness and the anger without help from anybody.
He had
changed and still the human had said he couldn’t be trusted or believed.
Instead of looking at Crais and seeing the change or listening to Talyn the
others had believed Crichton on his say-so.
The anger
was mounting again and with an effort he calmed himself down. He stood up to
loosen his muscles and to still the fire of annoyance. He wouldn’t like to go down
that road. He paced the floor again, hands clasped behind his back.
Yes, life
with Talyn wasn’t so bad, when he thought about it, if it wasn’t for the
aggressiveness Talyn displayed of asserting himself. There were times that he
could hardly move for arns after one of Talyn’s outbursts. He dreaded those
periods. What would happen if they were attacked or encountered others when he
was disabled? It didn’t bear thinking about.
Then again,
Talyn would more often than not be very remorseful when he had hurt Crais. He
would frequently lull Crais to sleep when he had a stressful time, normally
after meeting up with the Moya-crew. He would make him feel less alone. When
Crais had been wounded, he had given some of his energy to ease the pain, they
had shared it and it was made more bearable.
Crais
stopped his pacing and frowned at that thought. They had shared the pain. Why,
if they could share thoughts and pain together, would Talyn hurt him? Would he
not be hurt by it as well? Normally they were linked when that happened. If it
could bring Crais down, what happened to Talyn on those occasions? Would it not
disable him as well? When privacy mode was engaged they could act independently
of each other, it was a different matter when they were linked. He had never
thought about it until this moment. Why now?
Was Talyn
punishing himself every time he threw a tantrum? Had it maybe learned to go
into privacy mode himself? Somehow Crais couldn’t believe that. He had to
ponder on that.
Before his
thoughts could go any further Talyn beeped in excitement and flashed his lights
on the console to alert Crais.
Crais
touched his transponder and asked him what made him so excited.
Talyn had
picked up Moya’s transmissions and was preparing for Starburst to meet her.
Crais sighed
wearily, it was time to meet up with the others. His further musings would have
to wait for a while longer.
“Okay,
Talyn, Starburst. Let us meet up with the others.”
THE END